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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28775706">Twin Size Mattress</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/han_the_banan/pseuds/han_the_banan'>han_the_banan</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, First War with Voldemort, I'm Sorry, James is a golden retriever friend, M/M, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), No Fluff, Not Canon Compliant, Regulus Black Needs a Hug, Song: Twin Size Mattress (The Front Bottoms), buckle up boys, its a sad one</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 06:40:04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>6,223</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28775706</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/han_the_banan/pseuds/han_the_banan</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>James is determined to save everyone he loves. But what about the boy who doesn't want to be saved?</p>
<p>Did someone ask for Jegulus angst? No? Well have some anyway.<br/>(I still can't really write summaries sorry!)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Minor or Background Relationship(s), Regulus Black/James Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>102</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Twin Size Mattress</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I wrote this in like 3 hours with the help of adult grape juice and crying actual tears about Regulus Black to my best friend Beck, enjoy :)</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>
    <span>This is for the lions living in the wiry broke down frames</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Of my friends bodies</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>When the flood water comes, it ain't gonna be clear</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>It's gonna look like mud</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>But I will help you swim</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>I will help you swim</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>I'm gonna help you swim</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The owls swooped in the windows of the Great Hall, just as they do every morning. James tried to quiet his laughing as Sirius was attempting to throw tiny pieces of sausage into Peter’s pumpkin juice. The poor boy had no idea, as he was busy falling asleep at the table. He and Remus had practically pulled an all nighter, trying to write a paper for Binns’ class. Remus just shook his head and sipped his coffee, too tired to run his usual interference. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>A large black owl dove over their heads and dropped an envelope onto Sirius’ lap, before turning and flying out the window it had just entered from, not even stopping for some water. Sirius’ face grew very, for lack of a better word, serious. Remus and James both noticed the change in the demeanor of their friend and shared a look before watching their friend open the letter. Sirius scowled, his blue grey eyes shining with a fury neither boy had ever thought possible from their goofball friend. Sirius slammed the letter onto the table, causing his mug of tea to splash a bit, he stood quickly and took a single step before turning around and pointing his wand at the table. The letter lit up in a blaze of fire before going out, leaving the unreadable, charred remains of paper. The boy then sprinted out of the Great Hall, not caring about the stares that followed him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Remus and James caught each other’s gaze, in silent communication. James nodded and jumped up, racing after his friend. By the time he reached the portrait of the fat lady, he was slightly winded. Even two and a half years of weekly quidditch practice couldn’t make running up the countless flights of stairs any easier. He carefully climbed the stairway up to his dorm room, unsure what state his friend was in. He loved the boy dearly, but he tended to be a bit dramatic, warranted or not. He pushed open the door and found his favorite person in the world crumpled in a ball, body shaking with sobs. The typically boisterous boy looked so small and James’ heart strained in his chest at the sight. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>James was good at a lot of things: pranking all the students and many of the professors, whilst only getting a third of the detentions he likely deserved; being the Gryffindor team’s star chaser, even as only a fourth year; getting top marks without having to study, much to the annoyance of Lily Evans. But if anyone were to ask the boy what he prided himself in the most, it would be his unrelenting love for his friends. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>So, in true James Potter fashion, he walked over to the boy who was his brother in every way but blood and he pulled him up off of the ground and into his arms. He rubbed Sirius’ back until he felt the boy’s breathing steady out. Once he trusted that Sirius wouldn’t collapse the moment he released him, James gently led the other boy to his bed. He situated Sirius between his legs and wrapped his arms around him, resting his head on his soft black hair. After twenty minutes of sitting there quietly, Sirius’ soft voice, rough from crying, broke the silence.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You all know that I don’t like my parents very much. They’re crazy and horrible and I hate them. But it’s so much worse than any of you realize.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sirius spent the next hour explaining the severity of the abuse he and his brother have endured. For once, James didn’t have reassuring words that would fix the situation so he just tightened his hold on his friend, heart breaking more with each word he heard. Shortly after he finished talking, Sirius fell asleep in his arms, exhausted from all the emotions. But James still held him, running his fingers gently through his long hair. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>As he sat there, he found his thought drifting off to the other Black brother. From what he noticed, Regulus never really participated in conversations at the Slytherin table in the Great Hall and was often found alone around the castle and its grounds, usually reading a book. He wondered if Regulus had someone who held him while he cried, if he had found a home in the dungeons of the castle the way Sirius had in this very tower. James could only hope he wasn’t as alone as he appeared.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>This is for the snakes and the people they bite</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>For the friends I've made, for the sleepless nights</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>For the warning signs I've completely ignored</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>There's an amount to take, reasons to take more</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ever since Sirius’ breakdown in the middle of the previous year, James found himself often drifting to thoughts of the younger Black brother. He watched him during meals, pushing food around on his plate but never eating much of it. He stole glances of him curled up in an armchair in the back corner of the library, reading various muggle novels. And he saw how he looked progressively more drained each time he returned from visiting home, particularly after the summer break. He saw the dark undereye circles that the boy tried to cover with glamours and the way his perfect posture sagged a bit when he thought nobody was looking.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And even though James secretly kept tabs on the younger boy, he never actually approached him or even spoke to him. So, imagine his surprise when he found a note in his school bag signed R.A.B. requesting him to meet on the astronomy tower at midnight that night. James spent the rest of his classes that day wondering what the younger boy could want. Had he noticed James’ borderline stalking of the teen? How would James even go about explaining that? He couldn’t very well just admit that he had been slowly falling in love with the other boy. That would be insane, they hadn’t even shared two words with each other. Maybe Regulus wanted to ask about Sirius? But that didn’t make sense, he could have gone straight to Sirius if that was the case. He knew the brothers weren’t very close but his fellow marauder hadn’t told him that anything monumental had happened in their relationship that would prevent a civil conversation.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>If his friends noticed his distracted fidgeting throughout the day, they didn’t say anything. He sat with them by the fire in the Gryffindor common room after dinner. Every night they did homework there (well, Remus always did homework there and while he tried to make the others do theirs, the rest of the marauders usually spent their time plotting new pranks or sharing dumb gossip they had heard from the Prewett twins.) That night though, James twirled his quill around his fingers, pretending to read about the goblin wars until 11:30, when he claimed to be going to bed. He quickly grabbed his invisibility cloak and the map and snuck past his friends who were now playing monkey in the middle with Remus and his textbook. He slipped out of the portrait hole and made his way towards the astronomy tower. He made it there with 20 minutes to spare. He knew he left far too early but he was too nervous to wait any longer. He paced the open air of the tower and watched the little dot labeled Regulus Black on his map, make its way closer and closer to his own dot. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>When James heard the footsteps of the other boy make their way up the stairs, he quickly stowed the map away and stopped his pacing. The Slytherin boy stepped out of the shadows and the two shared eye contact. Regulus stopped about an arms’ length away from James and for the first time, he was close enough to fully see the differences between the two brothers. While Sirius’ hair was shoulder length and straight, Regulus’ stopped just below his ears and had a bit of curl to it. And their eyes, Sirius’ had a bluish tint to the grey while Regulus’ were a striking silver color. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The younger boy cleared his throat and James realized he had been staring. He shook his head just a bit and returned his attention to the present moment. “Sorry, er, what was it you wanted to meet me for?” He asked awkwardly, ruffling his hand through the mess he calls hair.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“There is a darkness looming over all of us.” His voice was soft but his words sent a cold chill down James’ spine. Everyone knew that there was a war coming. And despite the fact he was only a fifth year, James knew that soon, the shelter that Hogwarts provided him would be ripped away. And he feared for that day more than anything.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He forced himself to listen to the boy as he continued. “There will come a time that I will come to you with a favor. I need to know that you will accept.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Well that wasn’t vague and ominous at all. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Do I get any context before I agree to this?” James asked. He figured he would do anything the boy in front of him asked. But, even still, he would like a heads up before he agreed to something that would get him in trouble, or worse.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Let’s just say it involves protecting my brother.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>James relaxed at that. “Of course. I would do anything to help him” He paused before adding “To help either of you.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Regulus seemed taken back by the addition but he quickly schooled his face, his mask of indifference returning. He looked like he was about to leave and James figured, ‘in for knut,’ he took a step forward and gently grabbed the other boy’s arm, stopping him from turning away. He spoke softly, as one would do with a skittish animal.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I know we don’t talk, but I do care about you, Regulus...I’m actually quite fond of you.” He watched as the smaller boy’s cheeks began to pink with blush. He looked to the floor and took a deep breath before looking back up, his silver eyes filled with a softness James had never seen before. Silently, James leaned down, giving Regulus plenty of time to back away. When it was clear he wasn’t going to, James pressed his lips to the other boy’s. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It was just a quick peck, their lips separating just as suddenly as they had connected. When James opened his big brown eyes, he saw the softest smile on the other boy’s face. But it quickly disappeared, and he watched as the warmth left the boy’s eyes and they returned to a cold silver color. Without a word the boy turned and quickly ran down the stairs, leaving James alone. He stood still, his mind reeling over what just happened. As he made his way back to his own common room, he couldn’t help but wonder what the younger boy was planning and why it would require James’ help. He had a sinking feeling in his gut that, whatever it was, it wouldn’t be good.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>It's no big surprise you turned out this way</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>When they close their eyes and prayed you would change</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>And they cut your hair, and sent you away</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>You stopped by my house the night you escaped</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>With tears in my eyes, I begged you to stay</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>You said, "Hey man, I love you, but no fucking way!"</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>I'm sure that we could find something for you to do on stage</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Maybe shake a tambourine or when I sing, you sing harmonies</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It was toward the end of summer break and James was looking forward to the start of his sixth year at Hogwarts, to see his friends again if nothing else. He hadn’t heard much from Sirius in the past week and he was beginning to get worried. He sat by the window of his bedroom, chewing his lip. The sun had set roughly an hour ago and James was watching raindrops race down the glass in front of him. Remus would know what to do, but the full moon was tomorrow and he didn’t want to bother the boy, knowing how difficult this month would be, having to face his transformation alone. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>James sighed and stood, making his way downstairs to make himself a cup of mint tea. Maybe that would help him get a few hours of rest. Just as his foot landed on the last step, he heard a frantic fist hitting his front door. He furrowed his brows, not expecting anyone. He opened the door to see two very wet Black brothers. Regulus looked truly distressed as he held the full weight of his older brother who was being carried on Regulus’ back. He was bloody and bruised and borderline unconscious. James stood in shock, staring at the scene in front of him until Regulus spoke, breaking the deafening silence.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Remember when I asked you for a favor?” he said, out of breath. At that, James quickly jumped into action and helped Regulus carry his brother inside. He set him on the couch in front of the fire and called for his parents. He blessed the stars for his parents, who both had hearts even bigger than his own. They required no explanation and quickly began doing what they could to remedy the situation. His mother, who was a healer at St. Mungo’s, got to work healing what she could on the injured boy. His father got a towel for Regulus who stood awkwardly in the doorway after explaining the extent of his brother’s many injuries to James’ mother. James stood, hovering over the back of the couch, unsure what to do, until it was confirmed that Sirius was stable. He released a breath he didn’t realize he was holding and looked over to the door to see Regulus hanging up the towel on the coat rack and reaching for the handle. James rushed over to the boy, stopping him with a hand on his shoulder. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Where are you going?” he asked shakily, unable to keep his voice calm.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Home.” Regulus replied in a whisper, not looking away from his hand resting on the door handle. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You can’t!” James said frantically. He couldn’t let him go. He just couldn’t.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Regulus turned to look him in the eye, his own scarily devoid of emotion. “I don’t have a choice.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>James would not accept that answer. There was no way he would let this sweet boy go back to that horrid place. He searched his brain for anything that would make the boy change his mind. “No. I won’t let you. You have to stay.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Why?” he asked simply, arms crossed at his chest.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Because I love you.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Both boys stopped, Regulus’ eyes going wide, breaking his uncaring facade. James realized that he might have said those three words in the heat of the moment, desperate for the boy to stay, but he meant them with every fiber of his being. He was the one to break the silence.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I do. I love you Reg.” he reached for the other boy’s hands, breaking him from his shock. Regulus quickly pulled his hands away.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No. You don’t get to say you love me and think that it changes anything.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It was James’ turn to be shocked. “But I-”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He didn’t even have a chance to figure out what to say before being cut off. “This isn’t about you James!” Regulus shouted, his voice cracking slightly. His shoulders sagged just a bit and James saw how truly tired the boy looked, no matter how hard he tried to hide it. “Believe it or not, the world doesn’t actually revolve around you. You can’t be the hero every time. Some people just can’t be saved.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Regulus looked just about as broken as James felt. He couldn’t speak any louder than a whisper. “I’m not giving up on you. No matter what. I love you.” He felt a hot tear tickle his cheek as it rolled down his face but he didn’t have the energy to wipe it away.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>James could barely hear Regulus’ reply. “It’s too late for me James.” He felt his heart break as the door opened and closed, separating him from the person he wanted to hold the most. He collapsed onto the floor, sobbing so hard he couldn’t breathe. He felt his mother wrap her gentle arms around him and he curled into her. He had no idea what was coming, but he knew he had to save that boy.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>This is for the lake that me and my friends swim in</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Naked and dumb on a drunken night</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>But it should've felt good, but I can hear the Jaws theme song</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>On repeat in the back of my mind</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The sun shone brightly on the Marauders. It was already spring and the end of their final year at Hogwarts was arriving quickly. But none of the boys worried about that because it was a warm saturday afternoon and all four boys had pockets filled with bread rolls to throw to the Giant Squid. Remus smartly commented that the bread likely wasn’t good for the creature, but man, was it funny to watch his tentacles reach out of the water to snach them from the air.</span>
</p>
<p> <span>They had their pants rolled up to their knees and they were standing in the Great Lake with the water halfway up their calves. Sirius was currently chasing Peter for the last roll. Peter wanted to eat it but Sirius kept yelling about how it was meant for the squid. James and Remus were laughing, constantly amused by how doglike the boy was, even in his human form. It truly was never a question what his animagus form would be. </span></p>
<p>
  <span>Finally, Sirius caught Peter, snatching the half eaten roll from his hand and launched it into the air. As soon as the tentacle grabbed it, Sirius turned his attention to his remaining two friends who only had a moment to prepare for him to barrel into them. James was currently very glad that Remus had thought to remind him to spell his glasses to keep them from getting wet on their way down to the lake after lunch. Now that all four of them were completely drenched, none of them had any qualms about splashing the others. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sirius began shaking his head, splashing all of them with his wet hair. James laughed, turning away from the absolute mutt he called a friend. While avoiding getting bullets of water to the face, he noticed a small group of Slytherins standing together on the grassy lawn. It was the usual suspects, Snape, Avery, Crouch, and various other future Death Eaters. But the only one who caught his attention was the boy with slightly curly black hair and silver eyes. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>All the joy from the marauders’ current shenanigans drained from James’ body as he was suddenly reminded of the looming war. It was so close to them now. He and his friends had already aligned themselves with the Order run by Dumbledore. Meanwhile, in the very same castle, the enemy had begun growing it’s very own army.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>James had not directly spoken to Regulus since that night almost two years ago when he delivered his very own brother on James’ doorstep and broke his heart in the process. But despite the pain it caused him, James continued to keep tabs on the younger boy. He noticed when, in sixth year, he started to hang around Snape &amp; co. And he noticed when, after that year’s Christmas break, he suddenly had a habit of scratching his left arm. And he noticed how his eyes never lit up with the brightness that they did that night up on the astronomy tower.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>As if the boy could feel his eyes on him, Regulus turned. The two locked eyes and James saw pain in the eyes of the boy he loved. His heart yearned to run to him and take him up into his arms. He wanted nothing more than to take Regulus far away from England. To take him away from anything that could hurt him ever again. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Suddenly, a Remus-sized body knocked into his. He turned his attention back to his friends, watching as he saw Sirius’ mischievous smile after pushing their local werewolf. James laughed as that smile morphed into faux horror as said werewolf tackled him into the water. He turned his attention away from the rippling water that his friends lay beneath and looked back to those silver eyes. But by then, Regulus was gone. He watched as the back of his head disappeared into the crowd of students enjoying the sunny day.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Make sure you kiss your knuckles before you punch me in the face</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>There are lessons to be learned</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Consequences for all the stupid things I say</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>And it is no big surprise you turned out this way</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>The spark in your eyes, The look on your face</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>I will not be late</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>I'm sure that we could find something for you to do on stage</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Maybe shake a tambourine or when I sing, you sing harmonies</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>James apparated to the disclosed location the moment he received the patronus, probably leaving behind a smashed mug of tea on the ground. It had only been just over two years since he and his friends (and some enemies) had left the safety of Hogwarts, but it felt so much longer. The war was in full swing and all of the Marauders had taken up their posts in the Order of the Phoenix. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sirius was off on a recruitment trip for Dumbledore and they hadn’t seen Remus in almost a full month but he knows that it’s because of his assignment. Dumbledore had told each of them to keep their comings and goings a complete secret from everyone. But that changed when a very bloody Remus appeared at James’ apartment following a full moon. Sirius was called and that particular night involved a lot of firewhiskey and even more tears. Remus told the pair about his spying on the werewolves and that they were the only ones he would be telling because he figured, if one of them turned out to be the rumored traitor, then he didn’t want to live long enough to find out. In turn, Sirius and James both told their share of secret assignments. The three decided that since Peter hadn’t been around in a while, as much as they hated to admit it, he could no longer be trusted. The Marauders minus one, had kept each other in the know ever since. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Currently, though, James was busy fighting a dozen Death Eaters just outside Hogsmeade. They apparently thought they could sneak into Hogwarts while the students were away for break. They were wrong. Kingsley, who was currently stationed to keep an eye on the little town, had sent messages to a number of Order members who were popping up, wands ready to fire. James shot a mean stunning spell at a nearby Death Eater. He smirked to himself for just a moment before turning to the next enemy.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>This particular enemy though, he would recognize anywhere, even with his face covered. His curly black hair poked out of his hood and his slender frame was one that James often saw on a broom during Hogwarts quidditch matches. And through the slits in the silver mask, shone recognition in those all too familiar silver eyes. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Without a moment’s hesitation, James grabbed his opponent’s arm and pulled him into a nearby alleyway. Luckily all members of both sides were completely preoccupied by their current battle so not one of them noticed the pair hidden in the shadows. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“James, what the fuck? Are you bloody stupid? Do you have a death wish?” Regulus hissed his words as he lifted his mask and James saw a fury burning in his eyes that he had never seen. The same eyes that are in his dreams every single night that cause him to wake up with tears on his pillow.  The eyes he hadn’t seen since he last stepped off the Hogwarts Express at the end of his seventh year. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m not afraid of you Reg.” Regulus sucked in a breath at the nickname, but as always, he quickly schooled his features.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You should be. I’m the enemy.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You don’t have to be.” James argued. He grabbed the younger boy’s shoulders, shaking him slightly as if that would help get his point across. “You can join the Order. We can protect you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’ve told you, it’s too late for me.” James opened his mouth to argue but Regulus held up a hand, stopping him. James could see the end of the Dark Mark on the boy’s arm and his heart felt heavy in his chest. “This is war Potter. I’ve chosen my side and you’ve chosen yours.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>James knows he’s losing this argument. He’s running out of time to convince the man in front of him so he does the only thing he can think of. He grabs Regulus’ face and kisses him. Pouring every ounce of love and passion he can into it, despite its shortness. He pulls back and sees tears welling up in Regulus’ eyes. Those beautiful eyes. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Regulus pushes him away by the shoulders and looks away before speaking. “Seriously Potter, if you have any hope of surviving this, you’re going to need to gain some bloody self preservation instincts.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>James breathes out a quiet please, desperate to not lose the man in front of him. Not again. But Regulus just shakes his head, stepping backwards. He pulls down his mask and turns, running back into the battle.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>James falls against the brick wall of the alley. He knows he doesn’t have time to cry. He will push all of this down until after the battle, until he gets home to a bottle of firewhiskey and a Joy Division album. But right now, Moody is shouting his name, so he wipes his eyes and runs back into the heat of battle. And if his hexes have a little more bite than usual, well it is a war after all. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>I wanna contribute to the chaos</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>I don't wanna watch and then complain</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>'Cause I am through finding blame</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>That is the decision that I have made</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>James sits beside Sirius at the Order meeting, dreading the updates. Each meeting leaves the members with a darker cloud above their heads. More deaths, more failed missions, more destruction. It’s always the same. With each empty chair comes the question: Are they dead, on a secret mission or the traitor? The tension in the room could be cut with a knife. Dumbledore was determined to keep everyone in the dark. The three remaining Marauders are more thankful with each meeting, that they broke his rules and confided in each other. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>James watches Sirius leaning his head on Remus’ shoulder, their finger intertwining on their laps. James is so happy that their friends had managed to fall in love amongst all the dread. It had been a long time coming after all. And he understood as well as anyone, the need for comfort in these times. But James couldn’t help but envy his best friends. His thoughts constantly drift back to a certain Slytherin alumni. He wonders if any of the Death Eaters even bother to mourn their fallen allies. He longs to see those silver eyes again, even if it’s across a battlefield, if only to assure he was still alive. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He knows that Sirius is equally as worried about his brother’s wellbeing. But they don’t talk about it. It causes too many fights, too many tears, too many broken liquor bottles. So instead, they just let each other know every time the youngest Black is spotted in a raid, or battle or assignment and leave it at that.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>James was pulled from his morose train of thought by Dumbledore starting the meeting. They begin with a moment of silence for the McKinnon family, their latest casualties. James’ heart hurts but he has learned to become somewhat numb to the deaths. He had to, after they lost the Prewett twins. Frank left a dent in the wall during that meeting and Alice had to take him out of the room. After that, James learned to separate himself from the other members. All but Remus and Sirius. He can’t afford to become so broken with each death notice, he wouldn’t be able to survive the war with his sanity intact. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>By the time James brings his attention back to the meeting, Dumbledore has begun assigning missions. James volunteered for every single one he could. The more jobs he has, the faster he can help put a stop to this horrible war. Because as soon as this war is over, he would be able to take Regulus far away from all of it. There would be no more Order of the Phoenix vs Death Eaters. No more daily casualties. No more fear at every turn. They could be together, the way it was always meant to be. And he would wake up to that beautiful face every morning and he wouldn’t have to see that fury in those enchanting silver eyes. But first, he needed to put an end to this war. So that’s what he would do.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>James could feel the sad eyes of his friends watching him. They knew he was just using this to cope. They knew he needed this. But that didn’t mean they needed to like it. So that night, the three went to James’ apartment and they drank a full bottle of firewhiskey and sang along to Queen albums and pretended there wasn’t a war going on. They fell asleep, all cuddled up together, knowing that come morning, they would be separated once again. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>She hopes I'm cursed forever to</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Sleep on a twin-sized mattress</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>In somebody's attic or basement my whole life</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Never graduating up in size to add another</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>And my nightmares will have nightmares every night</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Oh, every night, every night</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>As soon as James got home from his latest mission, he sent an owl to Sirius’ apartment. He knew that his friend was currently at home because it was a full moon that night. Sirius found that going on missions during full moons left him too worried about Remus. This distraction led to him almost getting his arm blown off by a curse during a raid. Ever since that, he decided it was for the best to take that particular night off every month. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>After sending off his owl, James got into the shower, glad to wash all the dirt and sweat off of his skin. He stood under the stream of water until it went cold. He sighed, and got out, wearing a towel around his waist and went to the kitchen to put on the kettle. Sitting on his couch was his best friend. (If it were anyone else, naturally, James would immediately reach for his wand, ready to shoot. But Sirius and Remus were keyed into his apartment wards, just like he was keyed into theirs.) And apparently, his best friend and himself really do have the same mind because Sirius was currently sat with a cup of tea and some biscuits, feet up on the coffee table. He looks up with his signature Sirius Black smirk.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m flattered you’re trying to seduce me Prongs, but my heart has been taken by a nerdy werewolf, I'm afraid.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>James rolled his eyes but he’s eternally grateful for his friend’s ability to make jokes even now. He shook his head, going to heat up the kettle for himself before going to his bedroom and slipping on some joggers and an old quidditch practice shirt. Once seated beside his best friend, tea in hand, he leans his head of wet hair on Sirius’ shoulder. The other man doesn’t seem to mind and leans into James in return. The two sit in silence, receiving comfort in the bodily contact, until their tea turns cold. Sirius goes to heat up some more, this time adding some whiskey to the drinks. James smiles and uses his wand to put on a Beach Boys album onto his record player. The pair sat, occasionally singing along, each content with knowing the other was safe. They both longed for Moony’s return and the safety of the youngest Black brother, but neither of these topics were dared mentioned. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The pair of men were fairly drunk by the time an owl pecked on the window. The pair turned to look at each other, both curious but afraid of what the bird had brought them. The bird once again pecked on the window, seemingly irritated. James untangled himself from the mess of limbs the two men had gotten themselves into and opened the window. The bird dropped the letter and landed on the table to rest. Sirius carefully picked up the letter while James brought the tired bird a bowl of water and some of his own owl’s food. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>James sat himself back on the couch and watched as absolute horror made its way across Sirius’ face, who shakingly sucked in a breath and dropped the letter. James was quick to pick it up and read it himself. With one shaky hand he held the letter while his other was squeezed tightly in Sirius’ own.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Brother,</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>If you’re receiving this letter, then I regret to inform you that I am dead. I’m sorry this has to be our last communication but there are too many things that cannot remain unsaid.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>First, and this is very important, In this envelope I have included a vital message that must be given to Dumbledore. The Dark Lord has a plan for immortality and it is already being put into place. If the Order has any chance at winning this war, this plan must be stopped. I have already started defying him, and that is likely how I died. My final order to Kreacher was to send this owl to you in the case of my demise. Please, do not let my death be in vain, get this second letter to Dumbledore and stop this horrible war.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Beyond that, Sirius, I wrote to you to say I’m sorry. You were right. Mother and Father were always on the wrong side. But of course, I’ve known that all along. I never fully believed in their pureblood propaganda but I thought that if I remained in their good graces, I could find a way to protect you from the evil of the approaching war. Just like you always protected me from the evil of our house. But in the end, we both got pulled into this mess. Every day, I wish I had remained in the warmth of the Potter home on that rainy night. But I didn’t and there’s no going back for me now. So I must do what is needed, no matter the cost.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>But don’t be stupid. I know you are brash and reckless but please, do your best to stay alive. Make the next generation of Blacks better. Tell them stories of their uncle Reg and let them get to know their Aunt Andromeda. You will be okay without me brother, there are people who love you. Anyone with eyes could see the way Lupin always looked at you when you weren’t looking. And that idiot Potter would kill himself to keep you safe. The poor dope would be lost without you. So please, look out for him for me. He seriously lacks self preservation, then again, so do you. So I suppose this is actually a job for Lupin. Please pass on the message for me.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Finally, tell Potter that I love him. I have since long before that night on the Astronomy tower. I always dreamed of a life with him after the war. But it appears that was only meant to be a dream. Tell him to go out and find another. Don’t let him mourn me for too long, I would much rather be remembered by the few good moments. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Go win the war for me, then live a long joyous life. And every spring, you’ll see me in the night sky. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Sincerely, R.A.B.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>James didn’t even bother to wipe the tears from his eyes. He held the letter tightly in his fist as he fell into the arms of his best friend. Tomorrow, they would deliver the letter to Dumbledore, but for tonight, the pair would mourn the ally they didn’t realize they had. They drank for the Slytherin boy who gave them hope for a brighter future. The boy with silver eyes that would haunt their nightmares. The boy that wouldn’t get a happy ending because he gave it up for theirs.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I love Jegulus (And Lily/Regulus/James) so much and they don't have enough content in my opinion. This one was super sad but I'm working on some happier fics for these babies so i hope y'all will wanna read them! :)</p>
<p>And feel free to check out my other fic(s). I have a lot in progress to look forward to. (One day ill get my other fandoms in there but for now its all HP)</p></blockquote></div></div>
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